all day coffee
weekly humor and satire - g. xavier robillard
home | writings | toys
Online Toilet Reading
All Day Coffee tries to provide you, the readers, with sarcasm, irony, satire, and general merriment at the lightning pace of once a week. New stories appear every Monday.
Unless I'm tired.
Or on vacation.
Or washing my hair.
most recent drivel appears at
page top.
More is available here.
- Job Hunting Tips in the Facebook Age
description: Don't Post Those Mechanical Bull Pics. Unless...
July 6, 2009
- How to Become an Iran Expert
description: Persian Pundrity Is as Easy as Setting Up a Twitter Account
June 22, 2009
- How to setup a proxy for Iranian citizens (for Windows!)
description: did not write- just a reprint
June 16, 2009
- FAQ on the Digital Switch
description: If you still have ten digits this is totally normal.
June 15, 2009
- From Pandemonium to Powell's - Montana to Oregon
description: a stop at Missoula, aka chilltown USA
June 3, 2009
- From Pandemonium to Powell's - Minneapolis and Fargo
description: Is that your Accomplice in the Wood Chipper?
May 22, 2009
- From Pandemonium to Powell's - Lansing And Chicago
description: The Tour D'Store
May 21, 2009
- From Pandemonium to Powell's - Buffalo and Ann Arbor
description: A tour of the great lakes cities
May 19, 2009
- From Pandemonium to Powell's - Pandemonium Books
description: hanging out with the Magic and the Daemons
May 17, 2009
- With Graduation Looming and Few Job Prospects, America Asks to Move Back In With Great Britain
description: British Wonders if America Will Start Doing Its Own Laundry
May 15, 2009
- From Pandemonium to Powell's - Great American Tour d'Store
description: 8 States, 8 Stores, 3300 miles
May 14, 2009
- City Smackdown: Boston Vs Portland
description: Which city can be the victor?
May 11, 2009
- To Combat Image Problems, Mexico Changes Name to Steve
description: You cannot say "Mexico" without saying "sick."
May 4, 2009
- Free Comic Book Day Contest!!!
description: win a copy of Captain Freedom
May 2, 2009
- GOP Demands Giant Border Wall to Combat Mexican Swine Flu
description: Media, politicians are prepared to create as much hype as possible to handle the coming panic
April 28, 2009
- MySpace Suicide Epidemic Sweeps Nation, Worrying Parents, Educators, MySpace
description: Teen Boredom, Poor Layouts Lead to Users Fleeing Social Networking Site
April 22, 2009
- 8 Ways to Beef Up North Korea Rocket Program
description: Please, stop letting Supreme Leader in the Chem Lab
April 5, 2009
- How to Record An Effective Podcast
description: First thing: make sure you have a sexy, sexy voice
March 30, 2009
- My Stalker In Telecom
description: Running A Business Like A Lovesick Schoolboy
March 23, 2009
- 7 Practical Ways To Cheat Death At the Hands of your Enemies
description: Things we picked up from watching 24
March 12, 2009
- Captain Freedom - Live in Cambridge
description:
March 3, 2009
- Captain Freedom - Live in Cambridge
description: G. Xavier Robillard reads from Captain Freedom, "Forced Out."
March 3, 2009
- Ask the Superhero: Unicorn Or Narwhal
description: The serious biologist asks who would win in a fight
March 2, 2009
- GOP’s Boehner Continues Stand Against Wimpy Americans
description: GOP House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Some Place Where Men are Men, Women are Women, and Everyone Pulls Themselves Up by Their Bootstraps) has criticized the Democratic Party for offering American
February 26, 2009
- Tech Support Script #15: So You Swallowed Your Blackberry
description: Every Blackberry owner should read this
February 25, 2009
- The Seven Levels of Nerdgasm
description: A Fanyboy Awaits the Watchmen Movie
February 17, 2009
- Captain Freedom: the Novel, Excerpts and Spin-offs
description: oh yeah there's a blog too!
February 11, 2009
- George Bush Reflects on Last Eight Years as Baseball Commissioner
description: Remembering the Presidential Defiler
January 19, 2009
- G. Xavier Robillard Wins 4th Annual HumorFeed Competition
description: Oddly, Coffee-related site wins prize with story about... coffee!
January 15, 2009
- Ghostwriter Responds to Superhero's Allegations
description: Admits he may have made up some things.
January 12, 2009
- Super Personality Test - What Kind of Hero Are You?
description: Find Out if You Can Be Trusted with the Keys to the Company Nukes
January 11, 2009
- MPAA Movie Ratings Generator
description: Learn Why the Secret Cabal Really Rated That Film PG-13 - Was it the Hobbit Tickling?
January 10, 2009
- Everything You Need To Know about Professional Athletes and Guns
description: a brief FAQ so you can better understand the relationship between weapons and professional athletes.
December 9, 2008
- Big Three Automakers Prepare for Awesome DC Road Trip
description: Ford CEO decided Driving his Lexus Sent Wrong Message
December 3, 2008
- A Boxing Day Retail Boycott
description: We should systematically target those retailers who refuse to celebrate Boxing Day.
November 25, 2008
- Franken, Coleman Vote Counting Disrupted by Lizard People
description: Will Reptiles be Our New Minnesota Senator?
November 21, 2008
- Obama's Diplomatic Skills Threatened by Very Ugly Dog
description: Malia's allergies will be fine, because the Peruvian hairless is ugly enough to clear the room.
November 17, 2008
- Canada Completely Unprepared for Arrival of Angry Democrats
description: There are Coast Guard ships but not nearly enough to stop the Freedom Yachts that are ready to embark from Seattle
November 4, 2008
- Joe The Plumber to become Joe the Country Star?
description: Or Joe the Country Fish
October 31, 2008
- Conservatives Accidentally Bankroll Obama to Prove a Point About Online Donation Fraud
description: If you want to be anonymous do you have to call yourself Anonymous?
October 29, 2008
- Ralph Nader Wins Something!
description: but not a 5000 foot sandwich
October 28, 2008
- 6 Ways You Know Democrats Love Socialism
description: because Joe the Plumber might actually have to pay his back taxes
October 27, 2008
- Google CEO Searches Obama + Me + Cabinet Position
description: What will Search bring to America?
October 21, 2008
- The Presidential Candidates' Middle Names
description: I'm looking at you, John S. McCain
October 16, 2008
- Presidential Caveman Debates
description: Yet Another Debate Performance Response
September 29, 2008
- Understanding Freddie And Fannie: Bloated Mortgage Giants, or Just Misunderstood?
description: Answering the important question: which would win in a fight?
September 8, 2008
- Republicans Become the Party Party
description: The only risky activity the GOP refuses to condone is "heavy vetting"
September 4, 2008
- Batman Movie Sparks Real Crime Spree
description: We recommend if you're planning to see Batman multiple times, you should make sure a trusted neighbor is picking up your mail
July 29, 2008
- 6 Ways Airlines Could Make Some Serious Money
description: You will have the chance to get a signed photograph of your airline lobbyist in a lovely frame ($100).
July 14, 2008
- 7 Dangerous Technologies You Can Still Use While Driving Under California Cellphone Ban
description: Should you survive the accident, your ability to communicate will already be so hampered by texting that the paramedics who comes to your aid will determine you brain dead.
July 8, 2008
- Electrical Storms Disrupt Blogging
description: Blogger Determined to Understand Mystical Connection Between Electricity, Internet
June 30, 2008
- Obama Campaign Vets Summer Vacation Plans
description: Attempting to Avoid the Windsurfing Debacle of 2004
June 17, 2008
- Stop The Presses – Dick Cheney Apologizes!
description: Cheney's gaffe hits on a sensitive topic, as support for the Bush Administration's War on Incest has become critically low
June 4, 2008
- Osama Scolds Dunkin For Rachel Ray
description: Very few people even know that "queda" is Arabic for "jelly roll"
May 28, 2008
- Understanding Today's Pirates
description: Do all modern pirates dress like Keith Richards?
May 5, 2008
- Measuring Windows Vista’s Impact on the Superhero world
description: Breaking News On How a Bad OS can effect superhuman computing
April 20, 2008
- Sex Toy Industry Pays for Billions Spent on Unwed Mothers
description: New welfare programs include free day care and Cadillac trade-ins
April 18, 2008
- City Smackdown: Portland Versus Boston Rematch
description: Which one is better? It all comes down to whether you prefer volcanoes or redheads.
April 15, 2008
- Iraqi Army Replicates US, British Failures in Basra
description: Homegrown army's ability to lose portends US troop withdrawals.
April 7, 2008
- Stunned By Layoffs, Economists Declare Recession
description: Unemployed economists have issued a statement confirming that the US economy is absolutely, definitely, totally, in the toilet
March 25, 2008
- Vatican Discovers New Ways to Send You To Hell
description: New sins listed by Holy See include pollution, drug abuse, and tailgating
March 11, 2008
- I Also Have 35 Years Experience
description: I wanted a bold new, dry feeling, even if that caused me to sit bare assed on the changing table.
March 3, 2008
- All Day Coffee takes on the Plastic Bag Menace
description: Telling You everything you need to know about plastic bags
March 2, 2008
- Ask the Superhero Vol II: What is a Superdelegate
description: Democrats had a difficult time herding their delegates, for delegates are wily, and prone to blend into the upholstery
February 26, 2008
- Presidential Smackdown: Action Hero Debate
description: In addition to Chuck Norris endorsing Mike Huckabee, we’ve heard from Hulk Hogan (Barack Obama), Lucy Lawless (Hillary Clinton), and Sylvester Stallone (John McCain)
February 12, 2008
- The State Of My Cubicle
description: I have enjoyed my time here, or have at least remained alert.
January 29, 2008
- Baristas Claim Obama's Coffee Not Black Enough
description: Other Candidates Attack Weak Coffee Position
January 14, 2008
- Writers Strike Cripples Pornography Industry
description: We need fresh titles before people realize they've been watching the same thing over and over.
January 2, 2008
- New Years Greeting
description: Take Care Of Technology
January 2, 2008
- GOP unveils plans For Tantalizing New Slurs Against Senator Clinton
description: Plans include calling Hillary the C-word
December 10, 2007
- Writers Strike Complicated by Apostrophe Usage
description: The nation dangles like a participle
November 20, 2007
- Understanding Food Labels You Might Encounter At Whole Foods
description: As in a human co-op, any new members deemed unsatisfactory or weak are pecked to death.
November 8, 2007
- Announcing my Earbud Disability
description: Nobody should suffer their earbud falling out
November 4, 2007
- Utter Wonder Humor Reading Series
description: I'll be reading some pages of the funnies in Cambridge, MA
October 29, 2007
- Using Blackwater Contractors to Remodel my House was a Poor Idea
description: Instead of nail guns, they like to use gun guns, which is really rough on the sheet rock.
October 15, 2007
- Highlights from the SysAdmin’s Keychain
description: What do they have on the mass of metal attached to the fanny pack?
October 7, 2007
- Storyboarding Bin Laden
description: Al Qada hints at an upcoming Bin Laden video that is mysteriously stalled in pre-production
September 24, 2007
- Parents Relieved That Newborn Isn't Illegal Alien
description: The small infant looked American, but it would be hard to tell without extensive DNA testing.
September 17, 2007
- Dieting Book Proposal
description: This Ain't Southbeach, Sweet Cheeks
September 11, 2007
- California Promises a Car Seat for All Ages
description: Childhood no longer ends with college graduation
September 4, 2007
- Peanut Doping Scandal Rocks Little League Championship
description: Turns out, boogers had no effects on pitching ability
August 28, 2007
- Congressional Recall
description: Keep the Congress away from small children, as individual pieces have been found with screws loose that may constitute a choking hazard.
August 19, 2007
- Field Guide To Toddler Calls
description: A quick trip to the emergency room should clarify the nature of the problem
August 13, 2007
- Rolling Stone Profiles A Suburban Dad
description: To cope with wild nights, full of screaming and vomiting at all hours he developed a serious substance abuse problem with what he calls the Suburban speedball
August 7, 2007
- Help Wanted: Personal Assistant
description: You're detail-oriented, like remembering what mile maker of which freeway did I crash the car into the guardrail and abandon
July 30, 2007
- iPhone Battery Replacement Policy
description: How to replace the iPhone Battery, which will last a good deal longer than Uncle Irwin's electroshock therapy
July 23, 2007
- Tour The New White House Press Room
description: Enjoy our new smoke and mirrors
July 16, 2007
- Live Earth Raises Awareness, Ticket Prices
description: Global Warming Sells Unbelievable Amount of Merch
July 9, 2007
- Fireworks Recall FAQ
description: No refunds for safe fireworks
July 4, 2007
- What Not To Mix With Sunscreen
description: Dangerous Sunscreen Mixers
June 18, 2007
- Bacteria Lobby For Extension of Five Second Rule
description: Scum receive help from lobbyists
June 12, 2007
- Getting Into Credit Card Debt
description: A Debtful Life Could Be Yours
June 4, 2007
- Protesting High Gas Prices
description: What Would Lincoln Drive? Oh wait that's obvious
May 29, 2007
- DIY Resignation Letter
description: A form letter to let people know why you've left.
May 21, 2007
- Drugs Stage Intervention for Pete Doherty
description: The drugs are concerned with the direction Doherty's life has been taking
May 14, 2007
- Homeland Security's Are You Safe To Fly? Terrorist Fun Quiz
description: Eyes on your own paper!
May 7, 2007
- How Aging Rockers Stay Alive
description: It's not just snorting their ancestors
May 1, 2007
- Five Ways To Save the Earth (and take advantage of hot savings)
description: Earth Day Wishes from Industry
April 22, 2007
- President Bush Threatens Sanctions On Congressional Democrats
description: Democrats would be deprived of salaries, health insurance, food aid, the Sunday New York Times, and National Public Radio interviews
April 19, 2007
- City Smackdown: Boston Vs. Portland
description: Hot Postal Workers or Sarcasm? You be the judge
April 2, 2007
- Leading Democratic Candidates As Liberal As Jesus
description: "These politicians are so close to Christ they're way out of the mainstream."
March 26, 2007
- Eat Your Vegetables – A Government Conspiracy
description: Only 57,000 ketchup packets til you hit your quota
March 19, 2007
- Five Deadly Household Items (that will kill you sooner or later)
description: You'd be better off drinking gasoline from a lead canteen.
March 11, 2007
- Terrorists Cannot Decide on 2008 Presidential Candidate
description: The primary season has just begun, but none of the candidates have distinguished themselves as the type to ignite worldwide jihad.
February 26, 2007
- A Review of the New CAFE Standards
description: Does Herbie pay 3 bucks a gallon?
February 24, 2007
- President's Day eCards, Volume II
description: Is Washington Your First Love?
February 20, 2007
- Bloggers Root Out Liberal Crossword Editor
description: Next, the classifieds.
February 15, 2007
- Secrets of the Senate Revealed
description:
February 12, 2007
- FAQ On The Global Warming Hoax
description: The War on Climate Change is no more likely to succeed than the War on Legwarmers
February 5, 2007
- Five Instruments Not Invited Back to Rock and Roll
description: It's perfect for polka, but is it right for rock?
January 29, 2007
- Health Insurance Coverage Generator
description: Tell us your symptoms, and we'll explain your coverage.
January 22, 2007
- My Stroller Is Better Than Yours
description: An Infant Point-counterpoint
January 15, 2007
- Lindsay Lohan's Doctor Removes Appendix, Stomach
description: Lohan looks forward to a future in which she doesn't have to worry about drinking on an empty stomach.
January 8, 2007
- Top Five Wars of 2006
description: There were both arthouse surprises and old standbys in the past year's bloody conflicts
December 29, 2006
- Sony Sues Santa
description: Sony Corporation has announced plans for a suit against Santa Claus, for illegally shipping the Playstation 3
December 26, 2006
- Axis of Evil to Divorce
description: Breaking up is hard to do.
December 22, 2006
- Taco Bell – E. coli Healthiest Item on Menu
description: The most likely cause of illness after eating Taco Bell is having eaten at Taco Bell
December 11, 2006
- Iraq Study Group Caught Cheating
description:
December 4, 2006
- Fun Search Strings that Brought People to All Day Coffee
description: An exercise in server logs
December 1, 2006
- What To Call The Iraq Civil War
description: Ways to Get Around Saying 'Multi-ethnic/Tribal/Religious/Sectarian Violence' In Iraq
November 28, 2006
- Colombia Celebrates 42 Years of Civil War
description: An interview with the Rolling Stones of continuous conflict
November 20, 2006
- Rules For Preschool
description: The Dusseldorf School Focuses On Creational Play
November 14, 2006
- Democratic Congressman Wins Foot In Mouth Contest
description: Votes haven't been counted but insults start
November 11, 2006
- Five Best Ways to Vote
description: I can't figure out how to win this stupid touchscreen voting game.
November 6, 2006
- Garrison Keillor and The Serial Killers of Youth
description: In the Minnesota where I grew up people didn't brag about bodies in the basement.
October 31, 2006
- Letter To Potential Voters
description: I'm writing this from a Mexican jail cell