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Filed Under Politics
Presidential Smackdown: Action Hero Debate
Posted February 12, 2008
According to both personal endorsements and campaign finance filings, several Action Stars have lined up to support various presidential candidates. In addition to Chuck Norris endorsing Mike Huckabee, we’ve heard from wrestler Hulk Hogan (Barack Obama),warrior princess Lucy Lawless (Hillary Clinton), and Sylvester (Rambo) Stallone (John McCain). We’ve invited the four action stars to debate on behalf of their candidates.
Hulk Hogan
I’d like to open it up by saying we’re psyched and ready for action. We’re going to go there and bodyslam the opposition. I’m looking at you, Stallone. Whatcha gonna do when Hulkomania and Obamamania run wild on you?
Lucy Lawless
First of all, I’ll be helping find health insurance for all those people Obama’s plan won’t cover.
Chuck Norris
Isn’t it true, Lucy Lawless, that the only thing you bring to Hillary Clinton is the lesbian vote? Like she needs any help with that?
Lucy Lawless
I’m going to turn that question back on you, Mr. Norris, and ask you the flavor of the microphone I just shoved in your mouth.
Chuck Norris
Mpmhmphpm.
Hulk Hogan
Well let me tell you something brother. Lucy Lawless isn’t gonna win with those dirty tricks. And when it comes time for the convention, you won’t be able to stop the Hulkmania. Whatcha gunna do when Hulkamania and my 24" pythons run wild on you?!?!?!!?"
Sylvester Stallone
I’m going to cut in here. John McCain and I have a lot in common. He was tortured for five years in Vietnam, and I’ve played a deranged psychopath who’s come back from Vietnam seeking revenge. In 2000, John McCain was fighting for the Presidency. This time, he’s fighting for his life.
Hulk Hogan
The thing about Obama: he speaks for all Americans: yellow, white, black, and orange.
Lawless
Just because you’ve overdosed on tanning lotion doesn’t make you an Orange-American.
Stallone
And just because you fit into a leather armored bra doesn’t make you an action hero.
Lawless
Oh yeah? (ululating) I’m going to show you boys what 35 years of experience really means
(Lawless jumps from the podium, then cracks Hulk Hogan’s skull against Chuck Norris. The two pass out. Then she squares off against Stallone.)
Stallone
Make my day.
Lawless
That isn’t even your catch phrase!
(Lawless winds up her microphone like a lasso and traps Stallone)
Stallone
Oh, my prostate hurts!
Lawless
(Crushes Stallone's skull with an extra sharp stilleto)
My name is Lucy Lawless and I approve of this attack ad.
 
copyright 2004-2024 G. Xavier Robillard
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