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Filed Under Life
City Smackdown: Portland Versus Boston Rematch
Posted April 15, 2008
A year ago, All Day Coffee closed up its West Coast operation and moved to Boston. The journey was perilous, involving bad truck stop coffee and an iPod with only one day of music. Not to mention the terrible weather in Kentucky that forced me to drive slowly and miss out on the bourbon tastings. And if you’re wondering, why I drove through Kentucky if I was trying to get from Oregon to Massachusetts, then you’ll understand exactly how perilous the undertaking was.
But now All Day Coffee is fully moved into its new digs, and it is time to reassess the decision to come East. At first I was quite resentful of the Commonwealth, but then I realized it had some things that Portland could never offer, namely sunny days in winter and people over 35. Which one is better? It all comes down to whether you prefer volcanoes or redheads.
Sporting Teams
Portland: Has a fine, newly reformed NBA squad, and no other professional teams, unless you consider the torturous drive up I-5 to see the Mariners.
Boston: The Sox won the World Series, the Pats one eight million games (except, apparently, the one that mattered), and the Celtics record is .800. I haven’t checked in on the Revolution lately but last year they also made the playoffs. Sadly, such a winning spirit makes it easier for me to fly to Portland and drive to Seattle to see the Mariners than it is to get tickets at Fenway.
Advantage: Boston
Volcanoes
Boston: According to volcanologist Scott Rowland, there are no volcanoes in the state of Massachusetts. Or Rhode Island. This guy works at the University of Hawaii so he should know what he’s talking about.
Portland: Oregon is home to dozens of volcanoes in the Cascade range, as well as one in Mount Tabor, within the city limits. Does your home town have a volcano? I’ll bet it doesn’t.
Advantage: Portland
Ability to make a sandwich
Boston: In Boston they want you to leave and leave quickly, so they can feed the next busy diner. There will be no attention to your dietary restrictions, they will bring you the wrong meal, but at least you’re no longer hungry.
Portland: The person making the sandwich is sporting dreadlocks (ew!) and will take at least 45 minutes to make a sandwich, as he or she will attempt to balance the sprouts you didn’t order over the hummus. I’ve often had to drop into the Fred Meyer for some chips while waiting for a bagel (toasted, with lox) at Noah’s Bagels to prevent glucose withdrawal.
Advantage: Boston
Weather
Boston: snow snow snow cold rain heat humidity cold rain leaves change snow snow snow snow snow.
Portland: It’s weird, and I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but Portland’s weather isn’t all that bad. Sure it rains 75% of the year, but it’s not a hard rain. It’s more that it’s misty. And you don’t have to shovel it.
Advantage: Portland
Redheads
Boston: There are many reports, both anecdotal and trivial, that suggest that the gene for redheadedness is disappearing from the collective pool (dyed Goths do not apply here, as they cannot pass their gothy horror to their offspring, should they ever bother to breed). Given Boston’s Irish heritage, the city is virtually swimming in redheads. The only place you'll see more redheads is the Weasley family reunion.
Portland: Most of the redheads residing are of the Gothic persuasion, and have been disqualified from official surveys.
Advantage: Boston
Navigability
Boston: a long time ago there were cow paths. These were things that people like John Adams used to drive cattle back and forth on Beacon Hill (if Adams were a rancher rather than a lawyer). Well, all the cows moved somewhere else (most likely Portland, where there are more vegetarians) so they no longer had use for cowpaths. The leaders of Boston decided to pave the cowpaths, and call them streets. Rumor has it that the only cartographer who has successfully mapped the streets of Boston went insane, and is living comfortably in a nice padded cell in Arkham Asylum.
Portland: it’s a grid. There are four quadrants. The city is bisected by a river. Little known fact: it only took Lewis and Clark 2 years to get to Portland, whereas they were both lost in the South End for at least a decade.
Advantage: Portland
Overall score: since I feel like it is my duty as a scientist to appreciate dying species, I’m going with redheads. Boston wins! By a hair.
 
copyright 2004-2024 G. Xavier Robillard
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